


Spoof Trek: Frogger (Season 1)

by The Cheshire Cheese (LizzyChrome)



Series: Spoof Trek: Frogger [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Spoof, frogger - Freeform, spoof trek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23059270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzyChrome/pseuds/The%20Cheshire%20Cheese
Summary: Thrust high up into the Dillhole Quadrant, it will take 70 years for the crew to find Earth, and two or three seasons before they find some decent villains.In this first round of galactic Frogger, the crew faces spur Krouton thugs, a Kardashian spy, and first time exposure to their new chef's cuisine.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seska (Star Trek), Chakotay/Seven of Nine, Kes/Neelix (Star Trek), Kes/Tom Paris, Tom Paris/B'Elanna Torres
Series: Spoof Trek: Frogger [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662076
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Banjo Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Myway-or-the-Highway's mission to wrangle a ship of scoundrels is interrupted when both vessels are spirited to the other side of the galaxy, by a mysterious transdimensional hillbilly. Will the two crews be able to find a way home? Obviously not, or there'd be no series.

**"BANJO MAN"**

[ _We open with Trek's famous special effects. A page from a Scientific American magazine serves as the amazing space backdrop. Two ships on strings battle (and wobble) as explosion sound effects are provided by an unseen 6th-grader with a microphone. A floating paragraph scrolls down, as kazoos blast dramatic music_.]

**It is a period of unrest in the galaxy.**

**Peace with the putrid Kardashian Imperium is tested by rogue Federation colonists, w** **ho refuse to share literal space with the Goden-Spoon Heads.**

**Calling themselves the Mosquitos, they consider themselves freedom fighters.**

**But to the Kardashains and the United Federation of Freaks, they are pests.**

[ _A Mosquito ship--shaped, cleverly, like a mosquito--speeds through space, pursued by what looks like an obnoxiously gawdy diamond-studded shoe with a rocket booster at the end of its spike heel._ _At the helm of the Mosquito ship sits Commander Chevrolet: a proud freedom fighter dressed in a striped sweater and a cowboy vest. But beneath this rebellious wrapping beats the heart of a goddamn hippie, as shown by the artistic shooting star tattoo over his eye._ _The viewscreen comes on, revealing the Kardashian leader, Gul Douchbag. Like all Kardashians, he resembles a grotesque reptiloid, with a pretentious golden spoon on his forehead._ ]

 **Gul Douchbag** : Mosquito ship! You have trespassed into OUR drama! Surrender, impermanent insects, or suffer the consequences! 

[ _Commander Chevrolet is silent, but the look on his face says it all: "suck my balls." He picks up the remote and turns off the view_ _screen. This is followed by a blast of pure #drama from the Kardashian vessel, which blows the Mosquito ship off course, and sends it spiraling into a mass of strange pink matter._ ] 

**Chevrotet:** B'Zooka, get the photon-tortillas back online so we can fire back! Tupac, where the hell are we, Candy Mountain?

[ _A_ _giant strawberry bounces off his window._

 _We cut to Tupac: a Vulcan wearing a classic sunglasses-and-mustache disguise, along with a large bandanna tied in the front_.]

 **Tupac:** Indeed, Commander. A nebula of expired strawberry yogurt, to be precise.

 **B'Zooka Tourguide:** How do these drama queens always know where to find us? You'd think we had a spy on board!

[ _Tupac swaps a glance with Salsa—a dark-haired woman with a scaled neck, whose face is covered by a large cardboard smiley-face mask_.] 

**Tupac:** Anyway Boss, the strawberry asteroids threaten to tear through our hulls, the Kardashians block our only escape, an alien vessel is about to spirit us away to the other side of the galaxy, and I'm a Vulcan, with nothing interesting to say.

 **Chevrolet:** ….Frak.

[ _A huge flash of light ends the scene_.]

* * *

**EARTH - PRISON:**

* * *

[ _In the 24th Century, Earth is a utopia except for Australia, which is still where the Federation dumps all its criminals. One of these is Tim Parsnip._ ] 

**Warden:** All right prisoners, fall in!

 **Tim Parsnip:** Hoh-kay! [ _Pretends to fall down, and laughs_ ]

 **Warden:** That's five stupid jokes in five minutes Parsnip. In the box!

[ _Tim is tossed into a large wooden box, with a crescent-shaped window on the door. As soon as the warden is gone, there comes a knock at the door. Tim peers through the window._ ]

 **Parsnip:** What do you want—HOLY hair…

[ _Before him stands a woman in a red uniform, with a smart smiley-faced combadge, and a Victorian bun at least twice the size as the rest of her head._ ]

 **Captain Myway:** Mr. Parsnip. I am Captain Kathryn Myway-or-the-Highway, star—[ _Cough_ ] _captain_ —of the U.S.S. Frogger. My Vulcan sidekick disappeared with a Mosquito ship, and I hoped you might help us find him. The captain of this Mosquito ship is a tree hugger named Chevrolet. I hear-talk you may be acquainted with him?

 **Parsnip:** Chevrolet… I won that game of Fizzbin fair and square dammit! The game's not that complicated! Ooo I'll make him pay! –If there's something in it for me that is.

 **Myway:** A free ticket out of that box, and a regular part on the newest Trek series.

 **Parsnip:** …and my high school rival in shackles? I'm in!

* * *

**FREAK SPACE NINE:**

* * *

[ _We cut to a colossal apple slicer, with several starships docked around its handles and blades. Freak Space Nine currently hosts everything from the Galaxy-Class U.S.S. Freedomfries, to the Millenium Falcon, to a Planet Express named Old Bessie. Situated somewhere under the Lexx, between a Winnebego and a Yellow Submarine, is a spoon-shaped Federation ship titled: U.S.S. FROGGER._

 _Inside the station, Corkscrew’s Bar caters to its usual clientele: Star Freak and Bajerkan officers; smugglers; ice pirates; Alf; Jedi knights; Fremen puffing Spice hookahs; an undead Brunnen-Gee and his blue-haired love slave; a mawg (he’s his own best friend!); and Zorak, Locust of the Apocalypse. At the counter, Tim Parsnip is chatting with Ensign Fairly Dim. Nearby, the putrid bartender himself is drying "Spaceballs: the Mug!"_ ]

 **Tim Parsnip:** Hmm, we seem to be short one wookie and one wise old fossil…

 **Ensign Fairly Dim:** Wow, so we’re gonna be the bromance of this new series! And you’re the flyboy! …which…I guess makes me the dweeb…

[ _Corkscrew's big rodentine ears perk up at the word "dweeb." He grins deviously, then dashes over to Dim, and begins speaking a hundred words per minute_.]

 **Corkscrew:** Sorry to interrupt Couldn't help overhearing you're new 'dweeb' You know that makes you about ten times more annoying and ten times more likely to be killed off in the first five minutes of the show How about a lovely stolen Clingon credit-card for Mom and Dad to remember you by? No? Well I also got a few grams of Spice off planet Dune, potent st*t, and--what's this? Oh! A box of Molly O'Bugger's Girl Scout cookies, Peanut-butter Patties...!

[ _The poor ensign is backing away in his seat, terrified._ ]

 **Corkscrew:** …and the complete first season of “DarkWing Duck”—

 **Tim Parsnip:** [ _Folds arms_.] Aren't you in the wrong series?

[ _The Ferrari barkeep narrows his eyes at Tim, laughs nervously, and bolts away "Loony Tunes" style._ ]

* * *

**U.S.S. FROGGER- SICKBAY:**

* * *

[ _Parsnip is talking to Dim as they enter Sickbay_ ]

 **Tim Parsnip: ...** Trust me Dweeb, being the Ensign’s still better than having the rank of “Crewman.” At least ensigns get more than one life! [ _Turns to the ship's doctor_ ] What’s up Doc. I know the mission hasn’t started yet, but my friend here’s the Ensign, so we figured it can’t hurt to get him checked for alien parasites or—

 **Dr. Crewmen:** Well, well, apparently Star Freak doesn't mind if you kill three crewmen while attempting wheelies around a singularity. Just be an admiral's son and have a few witty one-liners up your sleeve, and you're promoted to Series Regular, complete with as many extra lives as Kenny from "South Park!" 

**Fairly Dim:** Wait, how many lives does the Ensign get again? 

**Parsnip:** Eh, 'couple Crewmen. Whaddaya want, you guys are fragile. One exploding console takes you guys out easier than Storm Troopers!

[ _They leave the enraged and ill-fated doctor, and go to the bridge, to meet the Captain._ ]

* * *

**BRIDGE:**

* * *

**Dim:** Reporting for du-du-… _duuu_?

 **Myway:** Ensign, at ease before you sprain something.

 **Dim:** Captain, what massive hair you have!…I-I mean yes sir—ma'am—uh, Captain?

 **First Officer, Commander Crewmen:** We are entering the Strawberry Yogurt Nebula, Captain.

 **Helmswoman, Lt. Crewman:** It's-gonna-be-a-bump-y-ri-i-ide….!

[ _The ship is beginning to bounce and shake_ ]

 **Myway:** Oh _no_! The only thing that kills crewmen more easily than an exploding console is—

_**Bumpety-bumpety-FLASH OF LIGHT!** _

[ _Everyone who has not been billed in the opening credits is now dead. Myway pushes herself up from the floor with a groan._ ]

 **Myway:** …a bumpy bridge. That's the only thing that kills more crewmen than exploding consoles.

 **Dim:** [ _Typing furiously with his pointer fingers_ ] Captain, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore! We've been thrown to the other side of the galaxy! _OW_! And I've just sprained my finger! [ _Still typing_ ]

 **Parsnip:** Sickbay. Come on.

[ _Dim continues “typing” in the air for a few more seconds, as Parsnip pulls him away._ ]

* * *

**SICKBAY:**

* * *

**Parsnip:** Ding, dong, the doctor's dead! Computer, activate Emergency Regular Character.

[ _The E.R.C. materializes._ ]

 **The Doctor** : Call me Doc, or The Doctor. As my programming commands, I will try to save any injured person, regardless of their odds of survival. Even if they’re “crewmen.”

 **Tim Parsnip:** Nice to meetcha' The Doctor. Dim here's down a digit. Think you can—

[ _Everyone besides The Doctor is suddenly beamed away._ ]

 **The Doctor:** Aaaall righty then. [ _Pulls out a Trek magazine, and unfolds a poster of 7 of D_.] Sigh, three more seasons to go...

* * *

**HOLOGRAPHIC FARM:**

* * *

**Myway:** Ensign, are you _sure_ we're not in Kansas?

[ _Hillbillies dance a circle around the crew, while an old redneck plays a banjo_.]

 **Dim:** According to my tricorder, we're inside a holo-creation of a hillbilly cookout party, but we're really on an alien vessel. And we're still light years away from home.

 **Parsnip:** [ _Folding his arms_ ] So, what you're saying is….there's food here.

[ _Parsnip, Dim, and Myway exchange a glance, make a mad dash to the house to raid the 'fridge_.]

 **Myway: _…_** Corn-cakes, please let there be corn-cakes…What the frell?!

[ _The refrigerator is a doorway to an alien laboratory! The Mosquito crew lies on rows of tables, wearing nothing but some tiny blankets covering their privates_.]

 **Myway:** Tupac! He's alive! The entire crew seems to be prisoners in some alien laboratory… Are they restrained to those tables with some advanced alien technology we can’t see?

 **Banjo Man:** Nope. They're just scared ta' move, or those blankets will fall off and you'll lose your G-rating. Heeere's yer sign!

[ _He tosses Myway a sign which reads, "I'm Stupid." One flash of light later, the Star Freaks are in the same position as the Mosquitos. For balls knows what reason, the Banjo Man's experiment requires nudity, and needles._ ]

 **Fairly Dim:** _OOOOWWIIIEEE!!_

 **Myway:** What the frak do we need flue shots in our belly-buttons for?!  
  
 **UPN:** Because it's 1994 and DeviantArt hasn't been invented yet.

[ _Myway rolls her eyes_.] 

* * *

**FROGGER'S BRIDGE:**

* * *

[ _One commercial break later, they're back on their ship (and clothes). On the view screen is a vast and complex alien Array, built from massive marshmallows and giant toothpicks_.]

 **Parsnip:** So apparently, this alien had the courtesy to return us to our exact stations with all our clothes back on, but forgot to return Ensign Dim.

 **Myway:** Wha-? _D'oh!_ Is that blood-sucking Mosquito crew awake? Hail them.

[ _The Mosquitos appear onscreen_ ]

 **Myway:** Commander Cadillac!

 **Chevrolet:** Chevrolet. [ _Drumming fingers impatiently_.]

 **Myway:** One of our crew-members is still on that Array thing…

 **Chevrolet:** For real? Ours too. Our engineer, B'Zooka Tourguide.

 **Myway:** Really? Huh. Well come aboard, let's have some coffee or something. Bring some crewmen.

[ _Chevrolet, Tupac, and Crewmen Tito beam aboard. Chevrolet and Tupac are armed with phaser-rifles, while the crewmen has a squirt-gun_.]

 **Myway:** Tupac, it's good to see you alive old friend.

 **Tupac:** Commander Chevrolet, I must inform you now that I am not, as I’ve pretended, a hip-hop artist interested in fighting the Kardashians to preserve the integrity of entertainment. [ _Unties bandanna._ ] Vulcan names simply tend to sound close to those of your Earth musicians and authors. I am, in fact… a spy for Starfreak.

[ _Tupac finally removes his sunglasses disguise--with style._

 _No one cares_.]

 **Chevrolet:** Helloooo _Parsnip_.

 **Parsnip:** 'Sup Chevie, old boy. Still soar about losing you're piece pipe to me in that highs-school Fizzbin tournament?

 **Chevrolet:** Tim. Still soar about me dumping you right before 'Prom for my new girlfriend, Salsa?

[ _Tim Parsnip lunges at Chevrolet. Myway steps between them, and attempts to change the subject_.]

 **Myway:** Interesting facial-art there, Commander! Let me guess a...butterfly? 

[ _Chevrolet stares at her._ _The awkward silence is broken when a bizarre creature--resembling a cross between a giraffe, a goldfish, and Sloth from "The Goonies--leaps down from nowhere, and crushes them all in a hug, while wagging its tail violently_.]

 **Cakemix:** Oh muy muy, me looove you! Mesa Cakemix! My no thinkin' yousa should all be fighting and trying to kill each other. Let's all be bestest-best friends! Let's sing; I love yoooou, you hate meee, wesa one happy familyyyy…

 **Myway:** [ _Crushed voice_ ] Fine—release us—and we're all friends.

 **Cakemix:** Okey-day!

 **Myway:** [ _Re-adjudging her bun_ ] Now then, we need to find our missing people.

 **Cakemix:** Oooh! Let's start with mesa mail-order-bride, Keish. She's on da planet Oompa-Loompa, and that's where yousa missing friends will be. They'sa being held by the Banjo Man. He's the big boss of all the Oompa-Loompas. My take you there! [ _More tail wagging_ ]

[ _Chevrolet raises his large gun at Cakemix, but Myway reluctantly stops him_.]

 **Myway:** All right. Mr. Chevrolet and I will have a world with this Banjo Man. Someone will have to stay aboard Frogger and keep an eye on Mr. Cakemix here…

 **Parsnip:** [ _Quickly_ ] Captain, I uh, feel responsible for Fairly's safety, I better go with you. 

**Myway:** All right. Mr. Tupac, you have the bridge. And the….thing. [ _Gestures to Cakemix_.]

[ _Myway, Chevrolet, and Parsnip beam away_.]

 **Cakemix:** Oh this is great Mr. Boredom! We can stay up late, swap manly stories, and in the morning, I'm makin' waffles!

 **Tupac:** ….

* * *

**BACK ON THE LITERAL RANCH:**

* * *

**Myway:** We've got a bone to pick with you, Banjo Man! Now, I don't know what kind of idiotic alien experiment requires kidnapping people from across the galaxy, sticking them in a “Dukes of Hazard” holo-program, and mad scientist fetish-fuel, but—

 **Banjo Man** : Ooooh, so _my_ project is “idiotic?” Tell me Captain, what was your ship’s last mission, before I captured y’all?

 **Myway** : Well to, to capture Mr. Chevrolet and his crew. [ _To Chevrolet_.] Nothing personal.

 **Banjo Man:** Uh-huh... And you were doing it with....a military vessel was it? 

**Myway:** A um, a science vessel actually. But, capturing outlaws is a very, uh, scientific type of--- 

Banjo Man: ...a science vessel with _how many brig cells_ , again?

 **Parsnip:** Ooo, I know this one! One! We have....uh....one brig cell.... 

**Banjo Man:** ...aaaaand _where_ exactly were ya planning on puttin' all them Mosquito scallywags once you captured 'em, Captain?

[ _Chevrolet and Parsnip stare at Myway, who gapes in shock and rage._ ]

 **Banjo Man:** Hehehee… _heeeeere's yer sign_!

_**FLASH!** _

[ _The three are back on Frogger's bridge. Myway looks down to see that she is holding another "I'm Stupid" sign_.]

 **Cakemix:** Mr. Boredom and my are bestest-best friends now!

[ _Cakemix tosses confetti into the air. He and Tupac are wearing party hats. The Vulcan looks un-amused._ ]

* * *

**PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: UNDERGROUND**

* * *

[ _Fairly Dim and B’Zooka Tourgide awaken in an alien hospital, wearing assless hospital gowns and some nasty alien acne_. _They are tended by Oompa-Loompans—who, contrary to their name, resemble fair elven or fay-like people, with pointed ears and flowing robes_.]

 **Fairly Dim:** I don't remember being sent to a hospital, _or_ getting these huge bug bites. They look like giant mosquito bites— [ _He gasps, and_ _points at B'Zooka._ ] YOU'RE a Mosquito! You bit me, didn't you! But you're also a Clingon, so if you bit me, then you want to mate with me! That'd be a first. But I don't think I'm dressed for a date. I need a tie, or at least some pants…

 **B'Zooka Tourguide:** We've been abducted by aliens, dimwit. Obviously we’re both violently allergic to pixie dust.

[ _The Oompa-Loompans are affronted_.]

 **Fairly Dim:** …Oh.

 **B'Zooka:** Well come on! Let's get out of here before they try to give us anal probes.

[ _B’Zooka grabs the confused ensign by the arm and pulls him up a nearby ladder_.]

 **Oompa-Loompan Nurse:** Wait a minute, the Banjo Man didn't authorize that—

[ _B'Zooka grabs the nurse with her free arm and flips her over, into the opposite wall_.]

 **Oompa-Loompa Nurse:** [ _Quietly_ ] Have it your own way.

* * *

**PLANET OOMPA-LOOMPA: THE SURFACE**

* * *

**Cakemix:** This-sa a desert planet, and it's swarmin' with ugly alien gangsters, who capture pretties like us for slaves!

 **Parsnip:** _Cough_ Tatooine, _Cough-he-hem_ rip-off.

[ _The group is suddenly surrounded by a gang of humanoids with giant lumpy salad croutons growing out of their heads._ ]

 **King Kruton III:** "Rip-off" is correct, sir! We are the Krutons, and our culture condemns originality! We roam desert planets terrorizing the inhabitants, just like the Sand People from "Star Wars;" we capture beautiful women and enslave them, until they agree to marry us, just like Disney villains; and now, we wish to rip-off your advanced technology! Give it over or be vaporized!

 **Cakemix:** Don't worry everybody! Messa gettin' us outta this mess!

[ _He points a weapon at the Kruton leader. He pulls the trigger, and a tiny flag that says "Bang!" pops out_.]

 **Cakemix:** ….

[ _A huge fight breaks out between the Krutons and our heroes. While they shoot and punch each other, a blonde woman with pointed ears, dressed like Tinkerbell, emerges from the Kruton's house with a push-broom. This is KIESH. As they fight, she sweeps away the blood and severed limbs. She also sings_ :]

 **Kiesh:** _Some daaay my cook will come, some daaaay he'll find me…._

 **King Kruton:** [ _Covering his ears_ ] Stop that, slave! I said no more singing! NO SINGING!

 **Kiesh:** [Dancing with her broom.] _IIIIII know you, I walked with you once, upoooon a dreeeeeam….IIIII knoooow yoooou, that gleam in your eeeeyes is so familiar a gleam_ …

 **Krutons:** STOP! STOP SINGING! NO MORE SINGING NOOO MOOOOOOR _AAAAAAARRRGH_ ….

[ _As Kiesh sings, all of the Krutons' heads explode or crumble away, like "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The heroes stare at Kiesh_.]

 **Kiesh:** My people have powerful telepathic abilities, which I'm only beginning to explore. But there's no time to talk! Follow me down to Oompa Loompa city, and we'll find your friends!

[ _The captain taps her smiley-faced combadge_.] 

**Myway:** Myway to Crewman Wilson, beam us all to the center of the planet.

 **Crewman Wilson:** Ay Captain. Six to beam down! Let's see, I think it’s this button—YAAAAA!

[ _A zapping sound is heard as Crewman Wilson is fried_.]

 **Myway:** [ _Sigh_ ] Expendables. Tupac, remind me to find us some recurring characters to handle our technical situations, so we don't have this problem every five minutes.

 _[_ _Kiesh and Cakemix_ _e_ _xchange a nervous glance_.]

* * *

**THE CAVES!**

* * *

[ _Kiesh leads the gang down ancient fire escapes, though rocky tunnels._ ]

 **Kiesh:** Don't touch this force-field. We've been told it will burn your skin off.

[ _Tim Parsnip shoves Cakemix into the force field. Cakemix comes out blackened and smoking, but otherwise unharmed_.]

 **Parsnip:** Must've been exaggerating. It doesn't look so baAAAA!

[ _Parsnip has been shoved forward though the force field, from behind_.]

 **Chevrolet:** Ha ha!

 **Fairly Dim:** We're up here, on the fire escape! I'm badly injured! I don't think I'll make it much longer. If only I had some Clingon blood in me!

 **B'Zukka Tourgide:** He scraped his knee.

[ _The group hurries up the fire escape to save Tourguide and Dim. But just as they get close, the cave begins to shake and tremble, and rocks start falling from the ceiling!_ ]

 **Myway:** What now?!

[ _Everyone looks around, until they see someone down below. It's Indiana Jones, standing next to an empty pedestal, holding a little gold statue_.]

 **Indiana Jones:** Sorry 'bout that. [ _Dips fedora_.]

[ _Indy is soon occupied by a giant rolling boulder. Myway rolls her eyes. More rocks fall; Chevrolet gets the worst of it._ _]_

 **Chevrolet:** AH SH%T F$*K DAMMIT GAHAHAAAD-DAMN THAT F*&^5ING HURTS—I mean…my leg is broken. I can't move.

[ _More rocks fall, smashing the fire escape. Chevrolet is now dangling from the balcony, like Mufassa!_ ]

 **Chevrolet:** Go on without me!

 **Myway, Tupac, Cakemix and Kiesh:** Okay!

[ _They run up the fire escape_.]

 **Chevrolet:** …

[ _Suddenly, the Indiana Jones theme trumpets from nowhere. Parsnip swings down from a rope, and lands next to Chevrolet. He hooks his arm around the tattooed hunk for a rescue._ ]

 **Chevrolet:** Why risk your life for me Parsnip? We hate each other! 

**Parsnip:** True. On the other hand, if I save your life, your butt belongs to me! 

**Chevrolet:** Wat

 **Parsnip:** If a white man rescues a sexy Indian in the desert, they are to wed the following morning! That's your tribe's custom, isn't it? 

**Chevrolet:** Only if my savior is a member of the opposite sex! 

**Parsnip:** I don't belie—WOW you're heavy—Woops! Crap. 

**Chevrolet:** AAAAAaaaaa….

 **Parsnip:** ...

* * *

**THE SURFACE:**

* * *

[ _Tim climbs out of the pothole and joins Myway, Tupac, Kiesh, and Cakemix. A minute later, Chevrolet climbs up too_.]

 **Chevrolet:** Either the Great Spirit put that giant trampoline right under me, or I just have great luck because I'm going to be a regular major character on a new TV series.

 **Myway:** Hmm…[ _Stroking a phantom beard_.]

* * *

**U.S.S. FROGGER:**

* * *

**Myway:** I need to have a word with this Banjo Man. I've got to get him to send us back home! Chevrolet, while I'm doing that, can you hold off those Krutons?

 **Chevrolet** : With pleasure! If we get stuck out here for good, something tells me my opportunities to kick ass will be few and far between…

[ _Myway and Tupac beam aboard the Array, into the barn. Banjo Man is there, playing his banjo_.]

 **Myway:** He-EM.

 **Banjo Man:** Oh, you. What do you want, another sign?

 **Myway:** My security officer told me an interesting theory about you, Banjo Man. For reasons that weren't funny enough for this parody to spend time on, Tupac here believes that you're planning to die soon, and that you're capturing aliens because you're looking for a mate.

 **Banjo Man:** [ _Stops playing his banjo_.] It's true, Captain Myway. I'm an advanced alien, and my race destroyed the Oompa Loompa's home world. We were trying to make some cool crop circles, but…well you know when you're carving out a cool picture in the cornfield, but one side isn’t quite right, so you try to take a little off, but then the other side is too big, so you take some off of that side but it’s too much again…? …well soon we'd taken off all the vegetation on the planet. We turned their world into a desert. Now I'm searching for a mate, so I can produce offspring to take my place in caring for the Oompa Loompa.

 **Myway:** I understand, that makes sense. Oh wait, no, it doesn't make any sense at all, Banjo Man! First of all, if you might die, why did you only leave a 5-year supply of food for the Oompa Loompas? Yeah, they live short lives, but five years for them is still only one generation. Why not say, a 50-year supply?

 **Banjo Man:** Well I uh…guess I never thought about…

 **Myway:** And if you're powerful enough to drag ships from across the galaxy, why not just lift all the Oompa Loompas up from this desert wasteland and send them to a nice green world, far away from any hostile neighbors?

 **Banjo Man:** Well I, I …

[ _Tupac raises and eyebrow at Myway, actually impressed_.

 _Myway pretends to turn away, then puts her pointer finger in the air, and turns back around._ _]_

 **Myway:** Oh, and uh... [ _scratches her bun_ ] ...just one more thing! If you're looking for a mate to produce offspring with, then why are you kidnapping males?

[ _Banjo Man's head is shaking, as smoke rises from his ear_ s.]

 **Myway:** Heeeeere's your sign!

[ _Myway tosses back the "I'm Stupid!" sign he gave her_. _Banjo Man melts into a blob of purple Jell-O. Then that Jell-O turns into a potato. Myway picks up the potato, and examines it curiously. She and Tupac exchange glances_.]

 **Myway:** Okaaaay.

[ _She carelessly tosses the potato behind her. It hits a red button on the wall_.]

 **COMPUTER:** Thank you for pressing "Self Destruct." This Array will self-destruct in 15 minutes.

[ _Myway freezes, an "Oh crap!" expression on her face. Tupac merely glances at her, no longer looking impressed_.]

* * *

**MEANWHILE:**

* * *

[ _Chevrolet is flying his Mosquito ship, firing lasers from its snout at the attacking the Krutons_.]

 **Chevrolet:** Chevrolet to Frogger: Tim, tell one of your cracker Star Freak officers to keep a lock on me. When I say "Now," have them beam me back up!

 **Parsnip:** Sure. But don't think this makes us even Chevrolet. You're still my bitch! 

[ _Chevrolet drives his ship in a collision course for the Kruton ship_.]

 **Chevrolet:** Now!

[ _In Frogger's transporter room, Crewman #35 presses a button to beam Chevrolet up. The button electrocutes her, killing her. Crewman #46 quickly runs over to press the button, but trips over her body and fatally hits his head on the console, knocking it over and crushing Crewman #8_.]

 **Chevrolet [V.O.]:** I said now! NOW!.... NOOOW!

[ _Tim quickly runs over to the overturned console and hits the button, just as the Mosquito ship explodes. Chevrolet appears, blackened and smoking, and looking none-too-happy_.]

 **Parsnip:** The Captain's thinking about getting some recurring characters for these situations…

* * *

**FROGGER'S BRIDGE:**

* * *

[ _Everyone is on the bridge, except for Cakemix and Kiesh, who are nowhere to be seen, and The Doctor, who is in Sickbay_.]

 **Myway:** …and that's how Tupac made me destroy our only way home.

[ _No one looks convinced._ ]

 **Myway:** [ _Clears throat_ ]…but we'll find another way home. And our two crews will work together. Mr. Chevrolet, what would you say to ordering your Skeeters to don Star Freak uniforms, and being my first officer?

 **Chevrolet:** Pfft, yeah right.

 **Myway:** Or you can all cram into that one brig cell for the next 75 years. And Mr. Parsnip will be your guard.

 **Chevrolet:** Sooo [ _Rubbing hands_ ]…which chair's mine, Boss?

 **Myway:** [ _Smiles, triumphantly_.]

 **Tupac:** Captain, we appear to have two stowaways.

[ _He opens the lavatory door, and Kiesh and Cakemix tumble out_.]

 **Cakemix:** Captain, let us come with you! Yousa gonna need a cook, and I can cook! You need comic relief? You need someone to test for booby traps? Mesa killin' two tribbles with one stone, there--OOOMF!

[ _While dancing stupidly around the bridge, he has tripped and tumbled face-first over the railing_.] 

**Kiesh:** You need recreation? I grow all kinds of exotic plants that will make the journey much more fun! Please don't send me back to Oompa Loompa Captain, I spent my whole life underground, I’ve always wanted to see the surface...and become _…paaart oooof yoooour wooooorld…._

 **Myway:** [ _Slowly rolls eyes, and drops into a double-face-palm_.] Roddenberry help me… [ _She regains her composure, and turns to face her entire new crew._ ] All right everyone. It looks like we have a new crew, and our first episode is almost finished. Time for my inspirational start-of-the-series speech!

[ _The entire new crew stands at attention: Star Freaks, Mosquitos, Zorac, Hulk Hogan, and a llama, all in Star Freak uniforms (bar Cakemix and Keish)._ _Myway slowly paces the bridge. Everyone listens intently. Except Tupac, who’s expressionless; B'Zooka, snoring over her folded arms; and Cakemix, looking stupid._ ]

 **Myway:** We're alone, in an uncharted part of the galaxy (thanks to an unfortunate series of events which have nothing whatsoever to do with me). We've already made some friends here… [ _Looks at Cakemix and Kiesh, and sighs_ ]…and some enemies. Our characters are not well developed yet; our current villains are embarrassing; and three years from now the fans will probably look back at our current hairstyles and vomit. But we'll be looking for more Banjo Men, and a hair salon. And we'll find better villains to fight. We may even get better characters, to replace some of the less enticing ones we have right now.

[ _Kiesh looks around, nervously._ ]

 **Myway:** …But our goal is clear. Even at maximum warp, the studio will force us to be lost for at least a seven seasons. We'll jump from conflict to conflict with each passing episode, as we make our way home; with some great leaps forward, and some embarrassing setbacks. In fact, you could even think of it….as a cosmic game…of Frogger!

[ _Ev_ _eryone stares, awed. Even snoring B'Zooka peeks an eye opened with vague interest_ _. Dim w_ _hispers to the Mosquito crewman next to him_ _, “I love Frogger!”]_

 **Myway:** Mr. Parsnip, set a course…for home.

* * *

_**THE END OF THE BEGINNING...!**_

* * *


	2. Ex-Lax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****  
>  _Lt. Tourguide breaks Lt. Carrey's nose. Other stuff happens too, but seven years later, that's all any of us will remember._   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this was the first "episode" that I typed from scratch for Fanfic. net, with no high school draft to refer to. What is posted here, however, is a revision.

" **EX-LAX"**

**("Paralax")**

**Captain Myway(V.O.):** Captain's log, star date 3.14159: Yesterday, my ship was dragged into the Dipwad Quadrant by the Banjo Man, and today, both the Star Freak and Mosquito crews are attempting to integrate. [ _Sound of coffee being slurped._ ] I think it's going well.

* * *

**SICKBAY:**

* * *

**The Doctor:** Mr. Carrey, please hold still! 

**Lt. Jim Carrey: …** just keep that freaky Clingon lady out of my engine room, man!

[ _The Doctor is treating Lt. Jim Carrey, whose nose is gushing blood. Commander Chevrolet observes_.]

**Chevrolet:** How hard did she punch you?

[ _Carrey and the Doctor turn towards the wall, and Chevrolet follows their gaze. There is a huge hole shaped like Lt. Carrey….in that wall, in the next wall, and the next and the next, all the way back to Engineering_.]

**Chevrolet:** [ _Rubbing his temple_.] So what happened?

**Carrey:** Well Tourgide thought she knew more about the ship’s bio-nautical Jell-O packs than I did. So I was kinda’ like, "Riddle me this: if there's a warp core breach in ten seconds and reversing the polarity doesn’t work, what do you do?" just to, you know, test if she really knew what she was talking about. And she didn’t seem to be taking me seriously, so I tried to drive home how deadly the gasses from a warpcore breach could, be with a little improv on my part…

[ _Carrey spins around and reenacts his biological “deadly gasses” for the Commander’ Chevrolet sighs and pinches the bridge of his nos,e while Carrey gets distracted by his own theatrics, farting the “Frogger’s” opening theme song while drumming on his own behind. The Doctor yanks Carrey back upward by the collar to place an ice pack on his nose_.]

**The Doctor:** Keep this ice-pack on your conk, and take this orange soda. [ _Hands Lt. Carrey a can of Sunkiss_.]

**Chevrolet:** I'll have a word with Tourgide.

[ _Chevrolet steps out of sickbay, and runs into two Mosquito crewmen, Ensign Salsa and Lt. Hogan. Salsa is a brunette woman in a green Star Freak uniform, with Cargassian scales on her neck and ears, and a cardboard smiley-face mask covering her face. Hogan is a muscular man with a blonde mullet and mustache, wearing a yellow uniform and a blue bandana._ ]

**Ensign Salsa:** Commander! We heard that B'Zooka punched Lt. Carrey. And now everyone's saying that B'Zooka's going to be publicly hanged from the warp core for treason, all the Mosquitos are going to be confined to the Box when off-duty!

**Chevrolet:** [ _Sigh_.] As first officer, I _should_ probably ask where you heard that ridiculous rumor, just to make sure that there's no spy onboard who hates being bound by Star Freak protocols, and who's trying to manipulate the crew's emotions so they'll want to rebel against the authorities. BUT, I'm too tired to deal with any of that right now, so I'll just pretend I didn't think of it.

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** …Huh?

**Ensign Salsa:** We just want you to know, we're ready to back you.

**Chevrolet:** Back me?

**Lt. Hulk Hogan:** If you wanna take the ship! [ _Pounds fist into his palm_.]

**Chevrolet:** If I hear either of you talk that way again, I'll _personally_ throw you into the Box for mutiny! I am _finished_ rebelling against authority! From this moment forth, for the rest of this series, I am Captain Myway's most _obedient_ officer!

[ _Chevrolet walks away, leaving Hogan and Salsa looking shocked. Well, Hogan looks shocked; we can't see Salsa's expression behind her smiley mask, but we do see her jump back a little_.]

* * *

**B'ZOOKA TOURGIDE'S QUARTERS:**

* * *

[ _B'Zooka Tourguide paces around, seething._ _Cardboard boxes line the walls; she's not done unpacking for her new quarters. When Chevrolet opens the door, she heaves Spaceballs: the Lamp! at him, which he dodges casually._ ]

**Chevrolet:** B'Zooka, I want you to apologize to Lt. Carrey—

**B'Zooka:** Lt. Carrey is an IDIOT! He thinks he can find a problem in the engine room by literally asking it to call out to him, and feeling up the warpcore and bulkheads like one of Captain Flirt’s green girls! He can't give _one_ order to the Engineering team without making it a stupid game show—

**Chevrolet:** [ _Sternly_ ] —and not just a polite apology, a _personal_ one! Over a hot bowl of tribble-soup! You just might need support from idiots like him, if you're going to be Chief Engineer of this ship!

**B'Zooka:** Pfft, put the peace pipe away Chevie, I can't tell if you're joking or smoking.

**Chevrolet:** Neither! Although I might _need_ a puff or two to calm my nerves, before I tell the captain that I want you to for the job!

**B'Zooka:** [ _Taken aback_ ] Me? But, but Carrey's next in line...

**Chevrolet:** You're a more interesting character than he is. I'll be damned if I'm going to see a half-Clingon, ex-Mosquito engineering-wiz with mommy issues play recurring-yellowshirt while some bland Star Freak know-it-all like him gets a regular role on this series! So fix your behavior. [ _Leaves_.]

* * *

**THE READY-TO-START-THIS-SERIES ROOM:**

* * *

[ _Captain Myway, Chevrolet, Tupac, Tim Parsnip, and Fairly Dim are the only ones sitting around the table, for this first meeting._ ]

**Captain Myway:** Let's get down to business. First off, let's get the old "Lord of the Rings" joke out of the way. This is the first of probably _hundreds_ of times we'll be sitting around this long table talking dramatically; no one's even _said_ "the ring must be destroyed!" yet, and the joke's _already_ old. So let's just be done with it. Would anyone care to do the honors? Mr. Parsnip?

**Tim Parsnip:** Hmm? Oh, sure! [ _Clears throat_ ] The ring must be—wait, no! I think Tupac should be Elrond! Let me be that other guy, who's like, "One does not simply walk into Morridor..."

[ _Suddenly, Cakemix and Keish come rushing in. Keish is dressed in a colorful Tinkerbell dress, with jingly bells dangling from the skirt. Cakemix has an apron that says "Kiss the Cook!"_ ]

**Cakemix:** …And mesa can be the rugged ranger king, with is beautiful elf princess lover! [ _Keish beams; the rest of the room stares at Cakemix, unconvinced._ ] Sorry wesa late, but no one informed us there was a meeting.

**Myway:** Cakemix, the Senior Staff meetings are for Regular Characters only. And while I've accepted you and Keish aboard my ship, but I'm not about to force the audience to endure either of you every single week.

[ _Cakemix begins that annoying squeaky laugh of his, in a soft cackle that's actually kind of creepy. Next to him, Keish's innocent face slowly melts into a sadistic grin._ ]

**Cakemix:** The studio thinks ooootherwiiiiise….

[ _He hands Myway a packet, labeled "CAST." Myway reads, her eyes widening with horror. Tupac and Chevrolet read over her shoulder_.]

**Tupac:** It would seem that the powers-that-be intend for Mr. Cakemix to be our show's "cool alien hustler," our equivalent of Corkscrew, from "Freak Space Nine." [ _Everyone looks at Cakemix, VERY unconvinced_.] And we must keep Keish so that we have at least three female regulars, for political correctness.

**Fairly Dim:** Political correctness? They're concerned about being politically correct to women, so they write in a flower-picking nurse in a miniskirt, who’s basically a mail-bride to the middle-aged hedgehog that bosses her around? Why don't they give her floppy pink bow and a rolling pin, while they're at it?

**Chevrolet:** I don't understand it either. They've got seven good, original characters already. Do they really need to shoehorn in a Corkscrew-rip-off and a Counselor Trite rip-off?

[ _Neither Cakemix nor Keish reacts react to these comments. They just stand there, grinning expectedly_.]

**Myway:** Might as well admit defeat. Go ahead Cakemix, Keish. Have a seat. Hmm, there don't seem to be enough chairs…

**Tim Parsnip:** Here you go, Miss. [ _Stands and offers his seat to Keish_.]

**Cakemix:** Yousa hittin' on MY girl? I'LL KILL YOU!

[ _Cakemix starts to strangle a surprised Tim, while Keish watches, looking slightly worried. The captain pops and aspirin and washes it down with coffee._ ]

**Myway:** We still need a doctor, or at least a nurse. Ah—no, no, Keish, [ _Keish has raised her hand_ ] According to this bible here, [ _Smacks the "CAST" booklet_ ] the powers-that-be want to spread the job-assignments out a little. This episode is for B'Zooka becoming Chief Engineer; _next_ week, they'll let _you_ prove yourself as nurse. [ _Keish puts her hand down_.] Lt. Parsnip, you studied biochemistry at Star Freak academy, didn't you?

[ _Tim finally_ _manages to get Cakemix with a 3-Stooges eye-poke, and breaks free of his grasp._ ]

**Tim Parsnip:** Yeah, so? That's not even remotely like taking care of the sick and wounded! What about all those science-department green-shirts? They must know far more about the humanoid body than I do! Or if not them, one of the Mosquitos; they must be used to nursing injuries—

**Myway:** We need a doctor for when the ship's in a _crisis_. Parsnip. Tim, what happens to nameless greenshirts or redshirts or yellowshirts during a crisis?

**Tim Parsnip:** …Right.

**Myway:** It's only until next week, when Keish gets her episode. So now, we need to worry about chief engineer, and some other positions.

**Chevrolet:** Here's a list of Mosquito crewmen who I think would make good characters. [ _Hands her a PAD_ ]

**Myway:** [ _Reading_ ] Hmm…Chip, a native of the planet Baskin’s Blue Moon, that’d make an interesting background walker…...Hogan for the Engineering team? Well, I guess it'd be useful to have someone who can literally punch things back into place… and…B'Zooka Tourguide for Chief Engineer? Wasn't she involved in that incident with Lt. Carrey?

[ _Chevrolet is nervously inhaling from his peace pipe. He finishes and stows it under the table._ ]

**Chevrolet:** Yes. Yes she was.

**Myway:** [ _Quietly_ ] ….Anger management problems?

**Chevrolet:** _Hoh_ yes. Her mother was a Clingon—and she's very conflicted about that. Probably filled to the brim with angst and flashbacks. _In addition_ to a talent for ass-kicking, of course. But anyway, she's a MacGyver with random futuristic tools. She could probably supply a subplot’s worth of scenes fixing a busted fidget spinner—though she’d be snarking and angsting the whole time, and maybe denying her feelings for a flyboy...

[ _As he's been talking, a smile has been spreading across Myway's face, like the Grinch_.]

**Myway:** Well, I'll just have a word with Miss Tourguide!

* * *

**SICKBAY:**

* * *

[ _Keish walks in, and The Doctor appears_.]

**The Doctor:** Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

**Keish:** [ _Holds up Chevrolet's peace pipe_ ] Hello The Doctor! Commander Chevrolet let me have a puff of this Earth instrument, and I felt so free…like my mental powers could go anywhere….and that gave me an idea; I could prepare a gardening bay for the ship, filled with plants like this! We just need some soil to grow it in. Can you replicate some?

**The Doctor:** Who told you to ask a _medical_ program to operate the replicator for you? If going up to a replicator and saying, "Computer, three cups of soil please!" is too complicated for you, what makes you feel qualified to be a botanist?

**Keish:** …You're very _grumpy_ , aren't you The Doctor. You certainly don't seem very _happy_. But maybe that's just because you're secretly _bashful_. In any case, I'm sure you're a great _doc_ , and you could help anyone who was, I don't know, _sneezy_. And you're a hologram, so of course you never get _sleepy_ , but your social skills might be a bit _dopey_ …

**The Doctor:** Wat.

**Keish:** My point is, I think we'll make great friends! I could help you out here in sickbay, and sing songs about my true love, as I teach you how to treat people nicely and keep your sickbay clean! We can _whistle while we wooork_ … [ _Birds whistle the song with her, as she dances and twirls her way towards the door._ ] Oh by the way The Doctor, I think you're shrinking.

[ _She is right; the Doctor is now a head shorter than her_.]

**The Doctor:** ….Thank you….Please remember to turn off the program….

**Kesih:** Computer, deactivate Emergency Regular Character. [ _Doors shut behind her and her birds_.]

**The Doctor:** There, was that hard? Now why should replicating some soi— [ _Vanishes_ ]

* * *

**BRIDGE:**

* * *

**Tim Parsnip:** A singularity! Who wants to bet me five space-bucks I can't do a wheelie around this thing without falling in? Anyone?

**Myway:** There will be no gambling on my ship, Mr. Parsnip! We have to investigate every space anomaly we encounter, if there's a chance it may provide a way home, or some coffee. So you'll do those wheelies for free!

**Tim Parsnip:** Aye Sir—[ _Gets a disapproving look from Myway_ ] Ma'am— [ _Another disapproving look_ ] Goddess of the Power Bun? [ _Look of approval_.]

**Keish:** What's a singularity, Cakemix?

**Myway:** [ _To Chevrolet_ ] What the hell are Tinkerbell and the kitchen rodent doing on my bridge?

**Chevrolet:** [ _Shrugs, playing "Kingdom Hearts" on the little screen by his chair_.]

**Cakemix:** A singularity is a star, that has collapsed in on itself. Why, mesa almost got caught in a black hole once, on a particularly dangerous mission—

**Keish:** A star! Like the thing you wish upon, when you’re being held prisoner, waiting for true love to rescue you! _Makes noooo difference whoooo you aaaare_ —

[ _Myway rubs her forehead, while the rest of the bridge cringes painfully_.]

**Tim Parsnip:** Hey, someone else is already doing my wheelies for me!

[ _Indeed, another ship identical to Frogger is visible in the distance. A jingly sound comes from Fairly Dim's console, like a '90s computer getting an email_ ]

**Fairly Dim:** Captain we've got mail! But…I can't open it! I'll try reversing the polarity…okay I think I've got… _oh no_ … "Windows is loading"…

**Myway:** Try "Control, Alt, Delete," Ensign.

**Dim:** ….No effect!

**Myway:** I'm going to try sending a message to that other ship. Open a channel. [ _He does_ ] Alien vessel, this is Captain Myway or the Highway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?

**Farily Dim:** They're not responding. But I've got the message opened! Here it is:

**Message:** _Alien vessel, this is Captain Kathryn Myway of the Federation starship Frogger. Do you need help?_

[ _Everyone stares at each other in confusion_.]

* * *

**ENGINEERING:**

* * *

[ _B’Zooka is leaning on the railing that circles the Lava Lamp Core, deep in thought. Lt. Carrey struts over with his uniform jacket opened, "Mask" style. Then he whirls around and stops next to her with his rear end in the air, and "talks" with his butt cheeks_.]

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Hey B’Nanna, can I _ass_ you a question?

[ _B’Zooka roudhouse kicks him in the rump, somehow managing to send him spiraling right over the railing and into the warpcore. Carrey stands and brushes himself off, while the warp core wobbles._ ]

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Has anyone told you, you have a SERIOUS IMPULSE CONTROL PROBLEM?!

**B’Zooka:** So help me, you’re gonna have to report to Sickbay to get that cane before so you can “ass” me any more questions—

[ _Chevrolet slowly peers through the doorway of Engineering, giving B’Zooka the skunk-eye. She quickly fixes her attitude_.]

**B’Zooka:** So uh, what was it you wanted to ask me, Lieutenant?

[ _Carrey pulls a **?-** shaped cane out of the front of his pants, and hops up into the railing_.]

**Carrey:** Riddle me this, oh Integrated One! Did you know that you and yours truly are the two runners up for Chief Engineer?! [ _Cartoonishly brings up a scroll, with an eyeglas_ s] "Lt. Jim Carrey"—that's me! "—and Miss Baloney Tartersauce," [ _Finger-guns at Tourguid_ e] "are hereby summoned to the Ready-for-an-Engineering-Rivalry! room at 0600 hours, to help solve the great riddle of Frogger's current predicament! A once-in-a-lifetime chance that will determine WHO is gets a name in the OPENING CREDITS! And WHO... [ _Sniff_ ] ...........is just a yellowshirt. 

**Vulcan Ensign Forklift:** Miss Tourgide’s name has already appeared in the credits. Ergo, the outcome of this decision is highly predictable—

**Lt. Carrey:** So just to be sure, [ _Twirls **?** cane_] Riddle me this! When you’re at the senior staff meeting, and the Captain asks for your credentials, how do you greet her?

[ _Forklift and Salsa restrain a homicidal B’Zooka, while Carrey dances around the railing stupidly. He ends up smacking himself in the face with his cane, and falls over on his own_.]

* * *

**THE BREAKFAST-IS-READY ROOM:**

* * *

[ _All of the Regular characters are around the table, plus Carrey, but minus The Doctor because he's stuck in sickbay, and minus Seven, because she isn't on the show yet_.]

**Myway:** So apparently, that ship we thought was an alien vessel distress _was_ in distress, but it wasn't alien; it was _us_ , five minutes into the future! A time-delayed reflection, if you will!

**Tim Parsnip:** Wait, wait, wait; so, we were cruising along at Warp 6, when we found a ship in distress. But now you're saying, that ship was a reflection of ourselves, from the future. And that signal we got from them was the greeting _you_ sent out, only you hadn't sent it yet. I think I speak for the whole audience when I say… _waaat?_

[ _A screen on the wall turns on, showing the Doctor. He looks…flattened_.]

**The Doctor:** Sorry to interrupt, but I'm shrinking. I'm now only four feet tall. I'd like someone to fix me before I wink out of existence, please.

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** Can I make a midget joke right now? Or would that be, like, racist or something?

**Myway:** The only bigotry we tolerate in Star Freak is that against holograms, Mr. Carrey. So no, no midget jokes. But we _can_ rudely hang up on him. [ _Picks up the remote and turns off the wall screen_.]

**Carrey:** [ _Impressed_ ] Ooooh!

**Myway:** All right, now it's time for what I like to call… "Sudden Death!" Carry, Tourguide, I want each of you to answer: How the hell do we get out of this black hole?

**Carrey:** [ _Takes a deep breath, and recites:_ ] In accordance with Star Freak policy, we make first contact with the hole by easing in slowly, then increasing speed gradually, while wearing protection of course—

**B'Zooka:** We could rip the black hole a new one by emitting a Butt-Pull Beam from a shuttlecraft. Then Flyboy here can take us out at maximum warp. [ _Thumbs to Tim Parsnip._ ]

**Myway:** That's my girl! Let's get a shuttle, Tourguide.

**Tim Parsnip:** You'll need the best pilot to help you with that!

**Myway:** No, Tim. It's too early for you to start trying to impress B'Zooka. Bicker and argue for a couple seasons until the fans _want_ you together, _then_ make your move. B'Zooka and I will take the shuttle out alone. In the meantime, you can hit on some obvious babes, to establish your character as a womanizing flyboy.

[ _Tim looks around for an "obvious babe." His eyes land, inadvertently, on Keish, and Cakemix lunges at him again once again, screaming “I’LL KILL YOU!”_ _No one cares._ ]

* * *

**SHUTTLE CRAFT:**

* * *

**B'Zooka Tourguide:** Captain, I respect Chevrolet, but he's wrong. I can't be your show's chief engineer. The truth is, I quit Star Freak academy because everyone said I was just a rip-off of Commander Wart and Ensign Schmo from "Next Generation." And they're right.

**Myway:** But Tourguide, Wart and Schmo were among the best characters on "TNG"! Being their rip-off is high praise! Besides, plenty of good characters are direct rip-offs of previous ones…but it's a rare great character who's a rip-off of _two_ very _different_ ones. A combination like that makes for something new and interesting! Professor Chapstick said in his records that if you ever re-applied for Star Freak academy, he would support you.

**B'Zooka:** What? Professor Chapstick hated me! I fought with him every day!

**Myway:** Some professors like troubled delinquents. They can spice up a classroom…or a _TV series_. [ _Smiles_.]

**B'Zooka:** [ _Filled with hope_ ] Emitting the Butt-Pull beam!

[ _They emit the Butt-Pull Beam, and a hole is opened up in the black hole. They then return to Frogger…only to find that there are two identical ships next to each other_!]

**B'Zooka:** Oh no, one of these is a time-delayed reflection.

**Myway:** According to this TV guide, we only have five minutes left of the episode!

**B'Zooka:** That means we only have time to guess once to get the right ship! It must be the one pointed towards the exit…

**Myway:** No! It's the other ship! I can feel it in my bun!

[ _They fly to the ship, and it's the right one_. _Then Frogger flies out of the black hole, to freedom. And there is much rejoicing._ ]

* * *

**SICKBAY:**

* * *

**The Doctor:** [ _The size of a Ken Doll_ ] Is anyone ever going to fix my program?

**Tim Parsnip:** You know doc, right now I've only got… [ _Counts on his fingers_ ] Chevrolet, B'Zooka, all the Mosquitos, Cakemix, my own dad….forty-two sworn enemies in my life, at the moment. I could use one more. So don't take it personally if I insult you. [ _Folds arms_.] I think I like you better this way!

**The Doctor:** [ _Disapproving stare._ ]

* * *

**ENGINEERING:**

* * *

**_Lt._** **B'Zooka Tourguide:** [ _Shouting_ ]All right you tribble-brained swabs, get to your stations! Hogan, punch those Jell-O packs into position! Salsa, run a diagnostic on something, and get a new uniform, green ain’t your color! Forklift, press those buttons over there! Crewman #3 and Crewman 65, go work at that station on the second level—and do it without dying for Q’s sake! I want all of you scallywags moving, on the devil! ….Please.

[ _They all get to work_.]

**B’Zooka:** And Carrey…

**Lt. Jim Carrey:** [ _Unenthused_ ] Yes…Lieutenant?

**B'Zooka:** [ _Sigh_ ] I…realize that you're probably more up-to-date on Star Freak protocol than I am, and I have to rely on you to keep me informed about the rules…so…[ _clenched teeth_ ]….if I seem to be slipping on protocol, and it makes you feel useful… [ _The next sentence causes her physical pain to force out_ ] ….you can….drill me.

**Carrey:** [ _Suddenly brightens up with a smile_ ] You can count on me Lieutenant! [ _Leaps up onto the little elevator, pulling out his **?** -cane from his backside._] Riddle me this Lieutenant! If you disagree with a superior officer, what do you do?!

**B'Zooka:** I ask for permission to speak freely…respectfully…and I do not break their nose.

**Carrey:** YOU ARE CORRECT SIR! [ _He dances around the second-story railing, and accidently knocks Crewman #3 over the edge._ ] Riddle me this! If the ship is caught between two binary suns, and reversing the polarity proves ineffective….

[ _Myway and Chevrolet watch, proudly_.]

**Myway:** Commander, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful series.

[ _They walk past Crewman #65, working on a wall-panel. Crewman #3 lands on him, causing him to hit the wrong button, and get electrocuted. Neither Myway nor Chevrolet notice._ ]

**Chevrolet:** Permission to speak freely, Captain?

**Myway:** Granted.

**Chevrolet:** If our situation had been different, and we were on my ship instead of Frogger, and I was still wearing my rugged Mosquito outfit…would you find me sexy?

**Myway:** [ _Smiling_ ] One nice thing about being captain, sometimes you can keep things to yourself.

* * *

**THE END!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been particularly interested in Jim Carrey, but with the help of YouTube, I did some quick research for this revised version of the series. He quickly became one of the most fun characters to write. 
> 
> And yes, I know that the Ready Room and the Briefing Room are not one and the same. It's too late. I've been making these lame "Ready Room" puns for years now. Sue me.


End file.
